I am all for letting an older loved one do life their way with dignity, grace and determination. But what happens when that way isn’t smart, or feasible or is downright dangerous? What do you do when living in la-la land and ignoring reality just doesn’t work anymore? How do you support without plunging yourself — and your loved one — into geri-panic?

Here are a few examples:

1. A woman for whom I managed caregiving was resolute about staying in her home with her gigantic dog, which as we all know is very expensive when 24-7 care is needed. Finances were limited. And most assets were not a quick liquidation. And she was determined NOT to sell these assets, nor any other resources that might generate the cash she needed for very basic daily living…like electricity and property taxes. At first I was like, OK, you do you with that plan good luck. But as time went on and expenses continued to mount, as they generally do when not they’re not being paid, it became an emergency situation with infernos to put out literally EVERYWHERE. And it was like that pretty much until she passed away, just fire after fire after fire. A few rational decisions early on would have flame-proofed this situation for everyone.

2. Another older person I knew refuses to use a pill dispenser to manage medication. The reality is, the confusion around whether or not lifesaving drugs have been taken will one day lead to serious emergencies. It’s pretty simple. Yet, how do you balance respect and dignity preservation with laying out a plan that will save the day? Tricky.

3. One loved one refused to relay any sort of financial plan for their geri-future, which was troubling and caused unspoken worry for all. And because of the la-la-land reception to the probing, family erred on the side of protecting dignity and behind-the-back eyerolling. And though this situation played out without the expected potholes, it was just LUCK plain and simple.

I know we should aim to respect our elders’ choices and preferences, I would want this for myself when my peeps are up in my business trying to make me do stuff I don’t want to do. But I also hope I will respect THEIR concerns, because they’re much smarter than I am. Truly. I hope I can listen to their reasoning and be flexible with my arrangements so we can all avoid undue geri-scaries.

Like most everything else Grand Plans related, these situations could have upheld dignity and respect on all sides with communication, trust, empathy and light planning. #GrandPlans