I have heard it said over and over again — sometimes in this venue and many times from my own mouth — how negative experiences and non-Grand-Planning can reframe, mar or even WRECK a loved one’s once legacy.

The older woman I helped during her final months was for many years a second mother to me. She’s part of my earliest memories. An OG working mom, she had high standards and gave generously of herself to create opportunities for others. She was a warm hugger, called you honey and meant it and she was inventive, wise and principled. After my caregiving experience with her, those memories have been reduced to angry reflections that I’ve shoved down deep. Now all I remember is all the stuff, the unfinished business, the refusals to think rationally and the PTSD stress that entire last chapter firehosed into MY life. When I think of her now, all I feel is rage.

In Michael Hebb’s “Let’s Talk about Death (over Dinner): An Invitation and Guide to Life’s Most Important Conversation,” one of the conversation prompts is “What kind of legacy do you wish to leave?” This is such a critical thought! It’s obviously different for all of us, but who wants to pursue a legacy that is negatively charged, deplorable or so headshakingly painful no one wants to remember it?

This is something for us to consider and try our very best to avoid as we move toward our senior stroll. We must protect the legacies we’ve worked our entire lives to build and refuse to let obstinance, poor preparation and ego reduce us to a pitiful portrayal of how NOT to be. #GrandPlans