With it being Mother’s Day tomorrow and such, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom and what kind of caregiving example I can wring from the very dry, very fuzzy memories I have of her. She died at age 51 in 1992. She left a mother, father and mother-in-law on their 80s approach, a 52-year-old husband, an 18-year-old son and a 20-year-old daughter. That college junior had no clue she was supposed to be making note of all the best practice examples Mom was setting forth while she was alive, especially ones involving the elderly. And yet here I am, more than 30 years later, still trying to dig them up like a crazy pic-axe wielding gold miner looking for some nuggets to tuck away for later.

Like most young people, 20-year-old me did not have the best vantage for observing her mother’s caregiving skills. But there are a few gems I’d like to share as a way of honoring Bobbie Ann Person this Mother’s Day. If I can just polish them up and take account of them, perhaps they will help me on my own geri-journey or those of seniors I meet and support along the way.

1. Not only did my mom love and appreciate her mother Bobbie and mother-in-law, Clint, she SOCIALIZED with them. They went to lunch together often. They were all TIGHT. And it didn’t seem to be a have-to tight, but a genuine “I dig you” kind of friendship. They went to parties together, they spent long family weekends together, they shopped the heck out of discount stores together and they paid each other visits, OFTEN. They laughed a lot. My memories do not include visions of eye-rolling or eyebrow-raising or WTAF murmuring, like I tend to do now. She sincerely like these women and they were friends. At least that’s the vibe I picked up from them as a teenager.

2. She always stepped in to help her parents and mother-in-law — and her grandmother-in-law and her elderly first-cousins-in-law — but was always careful to keep her nuclear family’s needs at the forefront. My grandmother, Clint, lived with us for a month while she recuperated from an illness. Then Mom helped move her into the same independent living community where her parents had recently taken up residence. She spent many days helping her mom negotiate her dad’s medical needs at the hospital and recovery center, but always was home to have dinner on the table each evening. She said yes to picking up her cousins-in-law Trudy and Tony Rozance for family gatherings, but didn’t force us into lengthy conversations — or make us spend too much time in their house, with all the cats and dust and accordians, yikes. When Clint’s sister Bess moved into a nursing home 45 minutes away, Mom drove out for visits but was never insistent we join her.

3. We spent almost every weekend at our family Farm in Boerne, TX with our grandparents — all four of us went, and sometimes we were allowed to bring a friend, SOMETIMES. This was my mom’s doing and I’m not sure if it was at her parent’s urging or if she just really enjoyed being there in the Hill Country quiet. But she’d throw us in the way way back with a sack of groceries most Fridays and off we’d go to the Farm. Dad would meet us there after work. It was never super exciting, but never were there any worries either. Most big family trips were ones with my grandparents. They always paid for them and mostly, they were cruises. And it was magical.

That’s all I can dig up for now. Maybe one day, my memories will be revealed to me completely and I can do a full analysis before I wreck myself on my sunset stroll. I just know there’s a lot I coulda should woulda learned from my sweet mama. She would have been a great older person. #GrandPlans