A durable power of attorney is a critical piece of the puzzle when it comes to protecting ourselves as we age. If we should become incapacitated or unable to make financial and legal decisions independently, we want to make sure a reliable loved one is on standby to act on our behalf and manage our affairs. This is important — and really hard! — work. It’s a relationship that works best when both parties consider the responsibility carefully, long before a crisis hits and the POA is executed. In this arrangement, a mutual understanding of the role’s requirements, challenges and complexities is key to ensuring the agent’s and the principal’s expectations are always aligned with reality. Like any human relationship, a little knowledge and awareness go a long way.

Several years ago, I was informed that an elderly couple — the parents of a deceased childhood friend — had named me as their durable power of attorney and successor trustee. While I accepted the roles and fulfilled my duties to the best of my abilities, I was completely unprepared for this calling. Being their POA became my third fulltime job and drove my blood pressure up to new heights. It was scary and unpredictable. Even now, I feel PTSD from the four-year experience. In retrospect, I should have learned more about what I was getting myself into before diving in blindly to assist.

So, what is a durable power of attorney and why does everyone need to know more about it — ASAP?

According to the Florida Bar Association, a power of attorney is “a legal document delegating authority from one person to another. In the document, the maker of the power of attorney (the “principal”) grants the right to act on the maker’s behalf as that person’s agent. What authority is granted depends on the specific language of the power of attorney. A person giving a power of attorney may make it very broad or may limit it to certain specific acts.” A durable power of attorney is a little more specific and hinges on a person’s capacity. The Florida Bar website articulates this difference: “A power of attorney terminates if the principal becomes incapacitated, unless it is a special kind of power of attorney known as a ‘durable power of attorney.’ A durable power of attorney remains effective even if a person becomes incapacitated. However, there are certain exceptions specified in Florida law when a durable power of attorney may not be used for an incapacitated principal. A durable power of attorney must contain special wording that provides the power survives the incapacity of the principal. Most powers of attorney granted today are durable.”

Please note, not all durable power of attorney documents are the same. In my case, the couple’s POA paperwork stipulated that I, as their agent via a signed affidavit, could determine their incapacity and inability to manage their affairs. And that was only if the other spouse also was not functioning, which was the situation I faced, sadly. Still, other POA documents may require official signatures or input from a physician or medical professional. Look out for details like that because they become important as the agent attempts to assist on the principal’s behalf.

Activating the POA is the first, quickest and easiest step to helping loved ones who are incapacitated. In my experience, however, everything afterward was a steep mountain climb.

These are a few realities you, as an agent or principal, can expect on the adventure:

· Though a few will accept email attachments, most institutions, agencies and businesses require the agent to fax or even snail mail all POA necessary documents — financial institutions, banks and the like are the worst (read, most diligent) about this. This is a tedious and hugely time-consuming process that can take months to complete. Expect it.

· Even when the agent has sent the proper documents and established the POA with an institution, they may have to repeat the process multiple times according to who has received the fax or answered the phone. This also is annoying. Expect it.

· Because businesses and vendors are looking out for their client’s best interest, they will make an agent jump through many (seemingly unnecessary) hoops to achieve management status. This will require many long hours on the phone and frequent trips to the unused office fax machine during work hours to complete the task. Some bosses may not appreciate this “time away” from work. Expect to have honest conversations with workmates about the challenges.

· Financial institutions may require addendums or affidavits the agent does not have. This may require additional conversations with the principal’s attorney. This is likely to initiate more extensive — and expensive! — legal work that can take weeks to fulfill. This is par for the course, put it on your list of expectations.

· The agent will absolutely, most certainly use personal, vacation and faked sick hours and days to complete some of these requirements and manage the principal’s well-being. The principal will assume the same care status as the agent’s children, spouse and other parents.

· Because the agent is managing a principal’s daily living needs and challenges, this is a 24–7 job with no vacations and lots of unexpected trials. The status quo can continue for years. Unless the incapacity is short-term or hospital-related, a POA arrangement can be in effect for a very long time. Expect that.

· While most agents can be paid for their work as stipulated in the POA document, it will feel weird to accept it.

· The most conscientious agents are always doing the best they can with the resources they have one day at a time. This is challenging for everyone because most people have never done this work before and want to do it “right.” Most times, there’s no perfect answer, and it may not be YOUR answer. It’s always just a workable solution in the moment, nothing more nothing less.

· Principals should graciously release expectations for their own processes or policies and be comfortable letting the agent work according to their own unique strengths, schedules and capacities. When in a POA relationship, the principal is no longer running the show — instead, it’s the agent who’s making decisions with the principal’s best interest in mind.

· The power of attorney role is over when the principal dies, or if either party wants out ahead of time. If the principal or agent is dissatisfied or no longer committed to the role, there’s such thing as quitting. And that’s OK. Please know many agents will feel this way at some point.

That’s a long way of saying someone drafting a POA document should consult openly and honestly with the person they are considering for the agent role. There are important relationships at stake. Because my POA role came as a complete surprise with zero conversation ahead of time, I felt completely ill-equipped to do the work though I reluctantly did so. I was nervous about meeting unknown expectations and stressed out over outcomes. On the flip side, when my father’s unexpected illness and subsequent passing necessitated the execution of a POA, my brother and I were very confident about how to handle things. We knew him well, we loved him big and it was always clear what needed to be done and how. That’s what happens when the agent and principal are on the same page.

Once expectations are aligned, it’s time to establish a Durable Power of Attorney document with a professional. This is the path for most senior citizens. According to a 2017 money piece from AARP, while just 60 percent of adults have a will, 83 percent of people over the age of 72 have a power of attorney in place. All the cool kids are doing it!

Though it may seem economical and easy, a website with free power of attorney templates should NOT be your first stop, according to the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys’ website.

“While forms for powers of attorney are widely available, an Elder Law attorney should be consulted prior to executing documents that give access to one’s financial and medical affairs to another person. For example, many states provide sample forms (particularly health care powers of attorney) as part of their statutes. Many are limited in purpose and scope. Unfortunately, the sufficiency of power of attorney forms is usually tested only after it is too late to make necessary revisions.”

For obvious reasons, the NAELA suggests finding a credible elder law or estate planning attorney. In my experience, having good legal counsel on your side is essential to the process. An experienced attorney can help smooth some of the rough patches and mitigate challenges on the POA climb.

Also from the NAELA website:

“The advice of a qualified Elder Law attorney is important to protect the rights and welfare of the principal who wishes to sign a medical or financial power of attorney. Elder Law attorneys usually have particular experience in drafting and enforcing powers of attorney. The agent under a power of attorney may also need legal advice or representation. Sometimes, interpretation or enforcement of a power of attorney (or recovery against an agent who has acted improperly) may require court proceedings and representation by an experienced Elder Law attorney. In choosing an attorney to prepare, defend or enforce a power of attorney, be sure to ask whether he or she has experience in such matters.”

And while you’re meeting with your attorney, consider other legal documents you might need to add to the collection. While a Durable Power of Attorney is certainly important — and the key to protecting yourself during the second half — it is by no means the only one. According to the National Institute on Aging, other important legal documents all seniors should have on file include:

· A will

· A durable power of attorney for finances

· A living trust

· A living will

· A durable power of attorney for healthcare

It bears repeating. Working with a good lawyer can allay all sorts of anxiety and stress. They know this business inside and out and most normal people don’t — at all. Yes, they’re expensive, and no, it’s not a fun way to spend time or money, but there is great relief in relying on a professional who actually knows how to “do it right.”

Remember, empathy is everything! When it’s time to make a power of attorney document official, both parties should be 100 percent aware of how life-changing and difficult this work is and what they will be called to manage. Gratitude, love and understanding are the foundation of a successful partnership.

Susanna Barton, a member of Jacksonville Mayor Donna Degan’s subcommittee on elder care, has worked as a professional writer in Jacksonville for nearly 30 years and is the founder of the Grand Plans online community, podcast, newsletter and blog. Her book Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and its accompanying workbook, the Grand Planner, are available in local stores and on Amazon. For more information, http://www.mygrandplans.com.