I’ve decided to toss expectations — particularly those I impose on people — out the window on my aging journey. They are such party poopers! Expectations can turn perfectly well-meaning folks into frustrating examples of what isn’t (or what could be but won’t be) — right. And that ain’t right! Right? IMHO no, it is not. But here’s the deal: we must design healthy expectations for ourselves, at least more adaptable versions of them, if we are to be resilient and age successfully.

So maybe expectation formula looks like this: expectations for others as we age = bad; fluid expectations for ourselves and how we do our resilient aging thing, good.

I’m sure you can recall times when high hopes for a relationship or experience soured into bitter disappointment. It sucks! I know this has played out for me time after time after stinking, stupid time — unmet expectations for the kind of parents I’d have in my early adulthood, the friend I figured someone might be to me in a certain season and the mother figures I craved deeply after Mom’s death. This is unhealthy and dumb to have expectations for others’ behaviors. People are who they are and do what they do, and nine times out of 10 it’s not your flowery version!

Here’s what unhealthy expectations of others look like through the aging lens:

• “My children will take care of me no matter what.”
  Assuming availability, willingness, or capacity without explicit conversation can lead to strain and disappointment.
• “My spouse will always be able to meet all my needs.”
  Health changes, cognitive decline, or death can shift roles dramatically.
• “My friends will stay the same and always be there.”
  Mobility, illness, relocation, and loss naturally change social circles over time.
• “Professionals will handle everything for me.”
  Doctors, advisors, and care providers play key roles—but they cannot replace personal agency or advocacy.
• “People will just know what I want.”
  Expecting others to intuit wishes about care, finances, or end-of-life decisions often leads to confusion or conflict.
• “My family will agree on what’s best for me.”
  Even loving families can have very different opinions, especially without clear guidance.
• “Others should prioritize me as I age.”
  While support is important, expecting others to consistently set aside their own lives can create resentment.
• “Someone will step in when the time comes.”
  Without preparation, roles like power of attorney or caregiving don’t magically fall into place.

So let’s say it together: Expectations of others=bad. It breeds disappointment. And in aging, expectations of others leads to much more than just dumb old disappointment, it leads to crisis — every. Single. Time.

Before we get into the moral of this story — which is that healthy expectations of ourselves= good/resilient — let’s unpack the key word “resilience.” This is a very big word in Gerontology. It is one of the most helpful ways to think about aging well.

At its core, resilience is the ability to adapt, recover and keep going when life doesn’t go according to plan (which it usually doesn’t, BTW) — something that becomes increasingly important as bodies change, roles shift and losses occur. Researchers in Gerontology have long explored why some people navigate these challenges better than others. Early work by John W. Rowe and Robert L. Kahn emphasize staying engaged and maintaining function, while research by another Gerontology great George A. Bonanno shows many people are more emotionally resilient than we assume, even after significant stress or loss. The truth is resilience isn’t fixed –it’s a quality that be built through strong relationships, a sense of purpose, flexible thinking and thoughtful planning. Yes, Grand Planning!

When we view aging with a focus on resilience, we shift from trying to control every outcome to being prepared to handle whatever comes with clarity, confidence and support. We can have healthy expectations of ourselves to rise to any occasion, even when it’s not what we thought would be our reality.

This is so important, ya’ll! Yes, expectations are a terrible thing to put on other people, but expectations to live with resilience are a key to aging successfully!

So here’s what shifting our expectations from others to ourselves looks like IRL:

Here are eight healthy, grounding expectations we can hold for ourselves—ones that actively build resilience as we age:

• “I will need to adapt.” Change is not a failure; it’s part of the process. Flexibility is a strength.
• “I am responsible for preparing as best I can.” Legal, financial, and logistical planning are acts of care—for yourself and others.
• “I will communicate my wishes clearly and often.” Clarity reduces stress, confusion, and conflict down the line.
• “I will invest in relationships now.” Strong social connections don’t happen by accident; they are built over time.
• “I will take care of my body and mind, knowing perfection isn’t the goal.” Consistency matters more than intensity when it comes to long-term well-being.
• “I will ask for help when I need it.” Resilience isn’t independence at all costs—it’s knowing when to reach out.
• “I will stay engaged with life in ways that feel meaningful to me.” Purpose and curiosity are powerful protective factors as we age.
• “I will practice letting go of what I cannot control.” Not everything can be planned. Resilience grows when we focus on what we can influence and release the rest.

Together, these expectations shift the focus from dependence on others to a steady, proactive approach that builds confidence, reduces fear and creates a more resilient path forward.