You know what’s the WOAT? Trying to help someone who has dementia. It sucks. It’s complicated, it’s ugly and it stirs up all sorts of shocking, negative emotions that never in a million years would you expect to associate with the person who battles it.

IA while back, I was “the person” for someone deeply affected by alcohol-induced dementia. This form of dementia is not unlike other dementias with which you may be familiar — it renders a loved one unpredictable, angry, sane-one-day-tormented-the-next, irresponsible, emotional, oft unhinged and usually scary.

This was a typical six-week cycle in my experience: Get multi-day blitzed, stir up trouble, pass out, fall, get transported to a hospital, stay for weeks, transition into a physical rehabilitation center to learn to walk and function again, return home, begin regaining some sensibilities, build stamina to manage life again, get angry at people who have helped in your absence, get more pissed and commence binge-drinking again, let daily responsibilities slide, slide, and slide further again, then REPEAT…get multi-day blitzed, stir up trouble, pass out, fall etc.

Other dementias are much the same, just sans alcohol and plus new brain chemistry.

The tricky thing about helping loved ones with dementia is that it is very VERY difficult to assign the dementia officially. You can get a psychologist or a physician or a nurse to do the all the cognitive tests that indicate dementia, and that is helpful and necessary when handling some of the power of attorney responsibilities you may be in for. But because a person with dementia doesn’t present that way ALL the time — and in fact may appear quite unaffected and mentally acute during some stretches — they can bounce back and wreak havoc on any life management you may have tried to establish, especially in the realm of finances and caregiving. It is so tough and unwieldy!

If you’re dealing with this kind of caregiving situation, you are not alone! You are not crazy and insensitive for being furious over it. Just keep doing the best you can with the information, resources and professional guidance you have at each moment, and shake off the rest. It’s never going to be perfect when dementia is part of the equation. The winning formula? Love yourself, and try to love that person. Dementia is hard. #GrandPlans